Step one is deciding whether that conversation is even worth having, Weeks says. If it’s an argument with your spouse over whether one of you is going to accept a job offer that will require the family to move, you will need to have that talk. But if it’s a matter of asking a friend why she believes abortion should be banned (and you very much disagree), it’s worth asking yourself first why you want to have that conversation.
Still not sure if a topic you want to broach is too sensitive of one? “Just ask,” says Georgie Nightingall, a conversation coach and founder of Trigger Conversations, a London-based organization dedicated to teaching people how to have better and more meaningful conversations. “You and your conversation partner can make that decision together.” Simply stating that you know a topic is a challenging one and asking if they prefer avoiding it shows up front that you’re making potentially volatile territory safe and that you care about their perspective.
Keeping the conversation neutral starts from the beginning. If you’re asking questions about the other person’s perspective, ask in a way that shows you know the context of a situation, but that doesn’t come off as boastful, Weeks says. And don’t ask so tentatively, either, that you invite condescension, she adds. You want to start from neutral territory where no one’s poking a stick in the other person’s emotions.
According to Weeks, the approach is: “Grant your counterpart her premise, and then argue from there.” Instead of telling your counterpart their way of thinking is wrong, you legitimately acknowledge their point of view (yes, I understand that you want to spend more money now and invest in a higher-quality couch we’ll have for a while) and then explain why you disagree (but if we do that, we’ll have to use some of the money we’ve set aside for travel this year).
The goal of productive conversations is to build understanding and learning (for all parties), not tear one another apart, Trevisan says. That means no winners and no losers. “The constructive approach is to be curious and seek to understand,” he says. You do this by finding areas of agreement rather than disagreement.
Remember that it’s dialogue. Dialogue means you are both responding to one another, point after point — which is different from diatribe (where one side of the conversation drones out all others) and from debate (an attempt to prove one side right and one side wrong). Follow this basic formula, Heitler explains: Agree (with some part of what the other person said, which acknowledges their point of views) and then add something in response.
The word “but” is a subtraction sign in conversation, Heitler says. It erases what was just said. Instead of using it, respond with “and at the same time” or ask a question starting with “how” or “what,” she says. “If you hear yourself saying ‘yes, but’ — it’s a pretty good indication you are trying to score a point,” Trevisan says — rather than keep the dialogue constructive.
The best argument isn’t necessarily the one you can hashtag and will go viral on the internet. Those are punches. And communicating that way is very expensive in terms of the emotional toll they take on us, Weeks says.
